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This week

Well this has been one hell of a week and honestly this has been the last thing on my mind. I have ate mostly like shit. Still no eating out and turkey meat instead of hamburger. But a lot of sodas and vodka. I will get back on track but most likely not till after monday. As many of you have seen on fAcebook i lost a very special lady this week. The lady i take care of in houston had a massive stroke and was unresponsive when my mom went to wake her up. She ended up with massive damage to the left side of her brain and was sent home from the hospital still unresponsive to die. Thankfully she didnt have to starve to death cause her brain started to swell and cut of her breathing the night she went home. Sounds awful but i better than her starving to death and not being able to help her since she was not concious. She was one of the hugest role models in my life. She was way more than a patient for me she was closer to me than majority of my family. She loved me for me and was always accepting of anything i showed interest in. In fact on my last trip i was telling her about derby and how i made captain and she was saying how she used to watch it on tv and she was happy for me but she didnt think she could of ever played cause she would be too scared of getting hurt, haha. I have a ton of great memories and laughs with her that are helping to keep me strong, but i do still miss her. When you are telling each other bye you never think it will be for the last time. So i am struggling right now. Nobody take it personal if i am stand off ish or quiet its just an overwhelming week and its hard to keep my mind from thinking about her and our times together. I am very,thankful to have all of you and really apprieciate all the support yall have shown me. Bear with me i will find my way to get through this. Diet you can kiss my ass this week! I will deal with you soon

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Easter

Today is a tough day for me but I am feeling good after getting a bunch of stuff off my chest on my blog yesterday. I am still at work but I am really missing my kids today. This is the first time I have ever been away from my kids on a holiday. I am just thankful that it is just Easter. I have done good food wise today. I had half a blueberry muffin (my addiction) which I know is high as hell in calories(thats why I only had half) along with some fresh strawberries. I have had nothing to drink today except for water so thats great. I am about to snack on some fruit and a special K bar. Hmmmmm, not sure exactly what I will make us for dinner but I have ground turkey thawing. For all of you who havent tried ground turkey give it a shot. It has WAY less fat than regular hamburger meat and I actually prefer it. It has a softer texture and really tastes better. I use it for everything I use ground beef. (tacos, spaghetti, chili, etc.) I will be home tomorrow so lets hope I stay on track. I am also going to workout here in a little bit.

Week One.... Background

Alright so I am a little late starting this blog thingy, its all a little new to me. Week one of LFS was great. I felt great, on the right track. Kept my goal at the front of my mind. To be honest I just kinda hit a wall this week. I have been at work and away from derby so my mind has been on other things. I have followed my diet for the most part, still no sodas or Monsters and I have drank a shit load of water and vitamin water. So thats good but at the same time I am just feeling hopeless that my weight will ever go down. Ever since having my kids this weight just wont go away. I am ahsamed of my body everytime I look in the mirror and honestly when I am not looking in the mirror I dont see myself as being as big as I am. Its like a harsh reality to see how I have become and its plays fucking mind games with me. I know I am beautiful I am just not happy with my body. i am still hopeful this will all start paying off it just gets a little discouraging sometimes, as I am sure it does for all of us. I want this to be more than a food log for me I want this to be more of a journal on all my feelings during this and just a little bit of everything. So anyone reading this please know: I am very self concious and a little anti social, its nothing personal if I dont talk to you I am working on it everyday and it is getting easier for me. Social environments give me anxiety. Heres where it all comes from. I will put it out there and honestly dont want to talk about it unless you are on the same boat and need some comfort or advise. I used to be very confident in myself and very social, until I got into a relationship with my ex fiance. We had a very toxic relationship and I had kids with him so I felt trapped with no escape. It was a very mentally and physically abusive relationship and the only friend I had during it all was 4 hours away so I became very anti social. I had no friends close and I litterly stayed to myself and my kids for 5 years. I gained 90 pounds while I was pregnant with my first daughter and never lost ANY of it, so of course that was thrown in my face every day.  I honestly believed he would be the reason I would die. I have been hit like a man countless times, been told to jump out of a car on a highway and kill myself or he would kill all of us, I have been taken down a dirt road thinking I was facing death(saved by a farmer) my house has been torn to shreds and I have been abandoned with my daughter. There is many more things but honestly as easy as it is to type all this it is still hard to think about. But none the less, I tell you this so you can have a better understanding of me and why I am secretly SUPER insecure. So if you read stuff on here and are like "damn she acts so confident" or whatever its because I am aware of my flaws and I work on them and am trying to be who I once was. Derby has brought out a lot of my confidence and I love doing it so thankfully when I am on the track I dont have to deal with majority of my issues, its off the track when I face them. My goals for all this is to be able to open up about anything and everything and be able to grow into a healthier person all around. Not just for LFS but for me. I LOVE to lift weights, I HATE 90% of cardio, lol. Thats my stuggle. I think I need to find activities to do that dont feel like I am working out. Any Ideas???? I enjoy to feel tough and like to do things that challenge me as long as its fun.  Also I am a huge pasta and bread lover.I could eat italian food everyday so if any of you can give me some advise on how to eat pasta's and still be healthy let me know. I will write more later, my legs just went numb.